If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
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Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Somebody’s lying.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard