Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
You Might Also Like
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.