kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
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I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
couldn’t resist
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.