Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
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At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
584.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock