[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
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date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
WWE is French for “yes”
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)