Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
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If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some