Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
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Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
adam and eve had first world problems
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader