I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
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[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
oh my god
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.