And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
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48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.