ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
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So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
what does he know…
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.