Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
You Might Also Like
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
i did the math
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later: