Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
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*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.