Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
You Might Also Like
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
cyclists
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter