Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
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lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.