Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
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I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
I had to Stop for this
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*