On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
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I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
A little too much information.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.