*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
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My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
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HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol