Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
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[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Them: Just act casual
Me:
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god