I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
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I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
*serious situation*
My brain:
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find