Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
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[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
mumsnet is amazing
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
All food is good if you spell it wrong
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN