me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
You Might Also Like
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree