You Might Also Like
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Mhm.
Dance like you’re not the father
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
I know
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
ibopfufen
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.