This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
You Might Also Like
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
“i miss shittin on people”
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?