Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
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You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Oceanography is all about current events
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
I love you…
…r dog.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.