Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
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WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
I already tried new things thanks.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
🤣🤣
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.