So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
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WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
podcasts
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
“our sushi is very fresh”
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.