You Might Also Like
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*