My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
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Well, this certainly took a turn
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.