1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
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forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Breaking news:
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
don’t we all
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳