[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
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Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
(True)
#Caturday
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.