Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
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BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
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Me: Candy123
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J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.