I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
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telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
“How’s your day going?”
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t