the rocks need my help
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FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
me irl
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us