[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
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According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
is there nothing we can trust anymore
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Any refunds available?…
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito