Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
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me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Uh oh…
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
work smarter, not harder
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search