when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
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It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
I once had a tweet go bacterial.