Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
You Might Also Like
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
This forever.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food