Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
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I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.