Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
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Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
What if all the cashiers are married?
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
#inspiration #foodforthought
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
it be like that
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!