I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
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Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
So I ate some gummy bears.
Turns out they were my sisters “Happy” bears with 15mg each.
I ate exactly 37…
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs