cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
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I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial