Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
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You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
a lot to unpack here
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.