INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
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We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.