When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
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A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude