“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
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[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
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My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire