The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
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I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Hamburger Hinderer.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Woke up against my better judgement again
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD