I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
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“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Doug is just Canadian for dog
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!