when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
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[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.