Go girl power!
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I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.