I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
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Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Happy Thanksgiving
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.